Brad Brown

Choking hazard. Small parts. Not for children under 3 years.

Syncor

In 1998, I started work as a contract programmer at Syncor, a major radiopharmaceutical company. They make the chemicals that X-ray technicians inject you with before X-rays are taken. These chemicals cause organs to appear more clearly on the X-ray so the doctor can see them better. If you’ve ever gone in for an X-ray, there’s a slight possibility that the chemical you were injected with was manufactured with software that I wrote. However, if you’ve ever had an adverse reaction, it was probably due to software written by one of my Indian co-workers.
 
About the same time I started at Syncor, Britney Spears released the album “Baby One More Time.” As Britney’s fame grew, the thoughts of my co-workers often turned to her, often at the expense of the Budweiser girls who worked on the floor below us. Apparently, I was her biggest fan, because a couple of weeks before Kwanzaa, a Britney Spears doll appeared on my desk. My co-workers showed their undying devotion to me by buying me Britney Spears!

 
I placed Britney on top of my computer monitor, and while coding, I’d occasionally look up her skirt for inspiration. Britney stayed with me through three years at Syncor, but when I switched jobs, she found a permanent place on my CD cabinet at home. When my girlfriend moved in, Britney moved to the prize closet. Now, Britney is moving to your house!
 

The Rules

I’ll be giving away one Britney Spears doll on Sunday, August 3, 2008 [at a random time picked by me]. Just leave a comment (19 words or more) telling me what characteristics you share with Britney Spears. Here are some examples:

• “I have two kids and a redneck husband. I’m from the nether regions of Louisiana. My hair extensions are highly flammable.”
• “I lost my virginity to Justin Timberlake at the age of 13. I once dated Dennis Rodman. My classmates call me Wonky McValtrex.

I will pick a random entry on August 3rd from all the comments. I’m willing to ship her anywhere in the continental US, or Canada. Millions will enter; one will win.
 

Frequently Asked Questions

• Is Britney wearing any panties?
   
  I say yes. There seems to be a gauze-like material where her crotch is. My fiancée says no. When you get the doll, feel free to report back.
   
• What is Britney’s special message to her fans?
   
  “Make your dreams come true.” (Yes, I’m serious. It says that on the box.)
   
• Your prizes always suck. What’s up with that?
   
  “Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference.” - Libbie Fudim.

“The faster we kill the planet, the sooner Jesus will get here.” - Bob Mannseichner
 
“Shun the non-believer!” - The Unicorns
 
I was talking with my buddy Butch Michaels, of the Discovery Channel program “Butch Michaels’ Outdoors” [not to be confused with Brett Michaels of “It Burns When I Urinate”]. Butch mentioned that he had started using paper towels made with 80-percent post-consumer paper. This was quite an about-face from the guy I knew years ago. We spent the summers of our college years working for a medical waste disposal company in New Jersey, and we regularly emptied our trucks into the Atlantic. This wasn’t of our own volition; it was company policy!

Butch and I both grew up, and I think we started to realize that although individual actions may not seem to amount to much, a combination of efforts from millions can lead to real change. Our conversation spurred me to ask myself, “What can we do as bloggers, besides spouting empty rhetoric, to help the environment?” It took me a while to think of substantive ideas, but once I did, they started spilling out of my tired, suburban head. I thought I’d share those ideas with you.
 

Use Darker Background Colors

The amount of power consumed by a CRT or LCD monitor is directly proportional to the intensity of color displayed, much the same way a higher wattage bulb is brighter than a lower wattage bulb. An LCD consumes anywhere between twenty-five and fifty watts of power. For the sake of discussion, let’s assume each one of your readers has a twenty-five watt 17″ LCD. The power consumption, per various background colors, is shown in the table below. All measurements were taken by monitoring the voltage and current of an Acer AL1716FB 17″ LCD using a Kill-A-Watt Electricity Usage Monitor.

As the chart shows, by using darker colors, you can decrease the amount of energy your readers consume when they read your pages. For instance, if you switch from a yellow background to a light blue background, you’ve just saved 13.39 watts per reader. By way of comparison, for every seven readers you have, you will save the equivalent of a one-hundred watt light bulb.
 

Purchase Carbon Offsets

A carbon offset is a financial instrument representing a reduction in greenhouse gas emissions. Let’s say that you drive a large SUV, and due to your lifestyle, there’s no way you could live without it. To assuage the guilt you feel, you can purchase carbon offsets as a way to reduce the overall worldwide carbon monoxide accumulation. The carbon offset represents an investment in an emissions reduction device, such as a tree or a windmill, in a more needy country such as China.
 
In the case of your blog, you can purchase offsets to reduce the carbon foot print of the server running your website, as well as to account for the pollution caused when that server is disposed of. The only way to completely eliminate the environmental damage caused by your blog is to quit blogging, and obviously, that’s not going to happen.
 
The one bit of advice I want to give you is to be careful where you purchase your offsets from. Most offsets are sold by companies owned by rich oilmen, so even though you’re saving the planet, you’re putting money in the pockets of those who are also destroying it. I recommend purchasing from the smaller companies with no ties to big business. For instance, I purchase my carbon offsets at an amazingly low price from a small company in Russia, whose primary goal is to replant trees in Chernobyl. Over time, the trees will purify the radioactive soil, and in theory, they can eliminate the radioactivity altogether (over hundreds of years). The hope is to make Chernobyl inhabitable again.

Minimize the Use of YouTube

In the old days of the web, the only two things you could display on a web page were static images and text. Static images begat animated gifs, and animated gifs begat MPEGs and AVIs. Soon, video and animation were everywhere on the web. As a result, the processing power needed to browse the web has increased over time. Gone are the days when you could expect good web browsing performance out of your old 80286 processor PC.
 
Unfortunately, all this processing power comes with an environmental price. The greater the need for video, the greater the need for electricity to power the processors playing that video. Studies have shown a correlation between the increase in the complexity of websites over time, and the increase in the number of hydroelectric and coal plants built in the US. To stem the tide of newly-built power plants, we as a blogging community must band together and reduce the amount of video we display. I don’t think our readers would be missing much either; most of the videos I see on YouTube are either of scantily clad women, or skateboarding dogs. Video conservation ™ - it’s a win/win situation; in addition to reducing the electricity consumed by your users, you also increase the text they’re forced to read [hopefully articles of an educational nature].
 

Conclusion?

I hope you find these three tips helpful. Eventually, after you think about it, you too will come up with ways to reduce your blog’s carbon footprint. When you do, please share them with the BradBrown.com viewing audience. Together, we can make a difference.
 

Frequently Asked Questions

• Your blog is still pink. When are you switching to darker colors?
   
  As soon as the designer finishes with the new template, I’ll switch. Expect to see a change around mid-August.
   
• I can’t afford carbon offsets. What can I do?
   
  Buy a large bag of wildflower seed from your local garden supply. In the dead of night, throw this seed out onto the grassy median of your town’s busiest highway. The flowers that grow will absorb carbon dioxide, and provide a relaxing visual for morning commuters.
   
• You do realize that there is a difference between carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide?
   
  Not really. I’m still busy figuring out the differences between tangerines and Clementines.

…because sometimes, 25 facts are too many.
 
1. As a child, I was so obsessed with the Cylons from Battlestar Galactica that to this day, I still occasionally speak in a robotic, monotone voice.
 
2. I have six cats, but I’m not mentally ill.
 
3. I graduated from Auburn University, the home of the McLean hamburger, with a degree in electrical engineering. I have never touched the subject since receiving my degree.
 
4. I’ve never smoked marijuana, but I have smoked catnip.
 
5. My fiancée appears eleven times in the crowd scenes of the movie Major League 2. Look for the headless torso in the pink shirt, dancing to the tune of “Wild Thing.”
 
6. My neighborhood association was so distraught about the geese eating the grass in the common areas, that they caged the geese all up and shipped them to South Carolina. That was a year ago and still we have no grass.
 
7. I enjoyed going to the orthodontist as a teen because his assistants were attractive and had large breasts. I think Dr. Lawrence was on to something.

8. I saw George Clinton, singer for the bands Parliament and Funkadelic, at the Atlanta airport. He was walking with a boom box on his shoulder, but it was turned off [the music was in his head!].
 
9. My MySpace friends include Mercury spokesmodel Jill Wagner and faux-bisexual Tila Tequila.
 
10. I fell into a pit of quicksand, but survived. It’s a good thing my Dad saved me; otherwise, you’d be reading someone else’s blog.
 
11. The first woman I ever lusted after was Linda Carter.
 
12. I sold my drum machine on eBay to Kerry Livgren, formerly of the band Kansas. I like to think this makes me part of rock history.
 
13. I had a mullet when I was younger.
 
14. I was born in Martin Army Hospital at Fort Benning, Georgia. I have moles on both sides of my head from where the doctor yanked me out with tongs (seriously). Before I was born, the doctor suggested that I might be a tumor, and Dad’s reaction was, “THAT’S no tumor!”
 
15. Although a big Patrick Swayze fan, I’ve never seen the movie Ghost. However, everything I know about street fighting comes from the movie Roadhouse.
 
16. I share the same birthday as Bobby McFerrin, Lawrence Welk, and Thora Birch.
 
17. I’m afraid to buy olives at the grocery store olive bar for fear that they’ve been licked by previous shoppers. However, I often think of taking a bite out of some of the olives, then putting them back. That would be a good prank.

 
18. I’m both ordained and agnostic, so I doubt myself a lot.
 
19. My head is so large that it throws off my center of gravity, forcing me to walk in a zigzag motion when moving forward.
 
20. When no one is watching, I will often move in slow motion to mimic the movement of Steve Austin from the Six Million Dollar Man. I will also make the bionic sounds when I move.
 
21. When I was younger, I wanted to be a guitar shredder, but opted for the higher pay and shorter hair of a computer programmer.
 
22. The only thing I’ve ever won in my life was a twenty-dollar gift certificate from Piggly Wiggly. I won this in a raffle at a turkey shoot. For the non-Southern reader, a turkey shoot is where rednecks get together and shoot targets in order to win frozen turkeys.
 
23. Had I been born a girl, Mom would have named me Kristen Kimberly. Today, I would be wearing a halter top and tight spandex shorts. I think I’d be so attracted to myself, that I would never leave the house. That’s downright creepy!
 
24. I’m 3.125 percent Cherokee Indian. I’m opening a casino in my garage next month.